Open Funny Thread...

Health insurance has doubled for next year, so I figure I need to save some money.

I cancelled my home alarm system and had the county come and take down all my security lights.

I then planted two Pakistani flags, one at each corner of my lot and painted a huge ISIS flag on the house.

Now I have the Neighbors, Sheriffs Office, GBI, Homeland Security, FBI and the CIA all watching my house 24/7.

I feel safer than ever and am saving $65 a month!!
 
This 90 year old man was at his doctors' for an annual physical.


The doctor wanted him to have a sperm count, so he handed the man a jar and told him to take it home and bring back a specimen tomorrow.


The next day, the man showed up at the doctor's office with the jar as clean and empty as it was the day before.


The doctor was surprised and asked the man what happened.


"Well, Doc, it's like this. First, I tried with my right hand. Then I tried with my left hand. But still nothing, so I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left. Then, she tried with her mouth. First with the teeth in, and then with them out. Still no luck. Then we called Arleene, the lady from next door. She tried with both hands, her armpit, and between her knees. No luck."


The doctor was shocked! "Your neighbor?!!!!"


"Yep", the man replied. "None of us could get the damn bottle open."
:love1::rofl::rofl::laughbunny:
 
REDNECK HUNTERS

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
 
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